Be Assertive With In-laws

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Letter from Reader:  My husband’s parents’ behavior is creating problems in our marriage. My MIL & FIL make rude comments to me in private and in front of my husband. I do not respond to the comments in an effort to be respectful to his parents. When out of their presence I try to discuss the situation to my husband and try to explain why their comments upset me.  His normal response is that “I didn’t hear them say that”, “Oh I didn’t notice”, etc. I get upset with my husband because he is sitting beside me when these situations happen, how can he not hear or notice? His response to that question is that “This is just how my parents are and I guess I don’t notice because I’m used to it.” I explain that there is no excuse for poor manners and rude behavior and that I don’t accept the fact that “that’s just how they are”. I explained that WE need to set boundaries with them and that they need to be told when I find a comment or behavior to be rude or disrespectful. He hesitates to have discussions with them because he doesn’t want to upset them. I’m very tired of being upset due to their behavior and I have explained to my husband that this situation will never resolve unless they understand how their behavior is being perceived. My husband spent the past 12 years explaining his parents’ behavior to me as “that’s just how they are”. I can no longer accept this excuse. Please help!

How To Be Assertive With Your In-laws
By Jenna D. Barry

You may be quick to blame your in-laws for your marriage problems, but in reality the biggest part of the problem isn’t your in-laws, it’s your husband’s loyalty to them. When a man marries, he is supposed to transfer his loyalty from his parents to his wife. He must make his wife’s needs a priority rather than being a “parent-pleaser.” His behavior plays a key role in how well you get along with his parents.

That having been said, I think many wives play the role of a helpless child instead of behaving as an assertive adult. In many situations it’s better to gain respect by standing up for yourself rather than expecting your husband to rescue you. You are not likely to gain your husband’s loyalty if you constantly complain to him about his parents; in fact you can actually trigger his instinct to defend them. It’s better to deal with your in-laws in an assertive manner rather than take a passive-aggressive approach. (Read the rest.)

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