In-laws Article: Compromise with spouse

May 4, 2009, 6:07 pm

The following article is exclusive to Hitched Magazine:

In-laws: Six Ways to Reach Loving Compromises With Your Spouse
by Jenna D. Barry

Many married couples argue about their in-laws. The good news is that you can have a terrific marriage even if you have difficult in-laws. The best way to overcome any challenge in marriage is to unite as a couple, and the best way to unite as a couple is to reach loving compromises.

Let’s say, for example, that you and your spouse are arguing about how often to your in-laws. Your partner wants to go visit his (or her) parents twice a month, but you’d prefer to visit them twice a year. Each of you has a choice. You can behave in a way that brings you closer… or in a way that pushes you apart.

Here are six ways to work toward loving compromises that will bring you closer as a couple.

1) Communicate your feelings and needs in a tactful, respectful way. This isn’t the time to be condescending, accusatory, or controlling. It won’t help to nag, give guilt trips, threaten divorce, yell, cuss, or bring up past wrongs. It’s no time to criticize or gossip about your spouse’s parents.

In the scenario mentioned above, you might apply this advice by saying, “Honey, I feel frustrated when you pressure me to visit your parents twice a month. I need to spend what little free time I have going on date nights, getting together with friends, or just having some time to myself. I’d like for us to try to reach a compromise so I won’t feel resentful whenever I visit your folks.”

2) Try to see things from your spouse’s perspective. You will be better equipped to reach a loving compromise if you stop to consider your partner’s feelings and needs. You won’t help the situation by being self-centered and judgmental.

Your mate may truly want to visit his folks twice a month, or he may just be doing it out of obligation. If he’s just doing it out of obligation, encourage him to be more honest with his parents so he can have a sincere, adult relationship with them. He may feel caught in a miserable game of tug-o-war by trying to please you and his parents. Be compassionate of his feelings, and help him become a loyal husband rather than resenting him for being a parent-pleaser.

3) Think outside the box. Realize there are probably several more options available than it seems at first glance.

Just because your husband wants to visit his folks twice a month doesn’t mean you have to go with him every time. He could visit them without you sometimes. Or his folks could come to your house instead. You could meet them at a halfway point. You could divide your visit between in-laws and friends nearby. You could stay at a hotel.

4) Barter with each other. You aren’t the only one with needs, so don’t insist on getting your way regardless of your spouse’s needs. Look for a win-win situation and try not to be stubborn or inflexible.

Maybe you could agree to cheerfully visit your in-laws twice this month if your husband agrees to take you out to that fancy restaurant you’ve been wanting to try next month. Or perhaps you could visit your husband’s folks next weekend if he helps you paint the living room this weekend. You could try this approach: “Honey, if you’re willing to forego a visit with your folks this weekend, I’m willing to watch the kids so you can golf with your buddies.”

5) Meet in the middle. There aren’t any rules about in-laws written in stone, so that means neither you or your spouse are right or wrong on any given issue. It just means that each of you have different opinions, feelings, and needs. And part of the marriage commitment is caring about each other’s opinions, feelings, and needs.

If your husband wants to see his parents twice a month and you want to see them twice a year, settle on something in between such as once every month or two.

6) Seize the opportunity to show your spouse that you love him. Sometimes it’s more important to make your spouse feel loved than to get your way. (That doesn’t mean you should constantly overlook your own needs to the point that you lose yourself.)

If your husband really wants to visit his folks this weekend but you’d rather stay home to clean the refrigerator, why not go along with your husband’s wishes this time? It will probably mean a lot to him that you care enough about his happiness to make his needs a priority. Hopefully he’ll remember your kindness and be willing to reciprocate in the future.

Just because you and your spouse argue doesn’t mean your marriage is in trouble. Disagreements can actually strengthen your marriage if you make it a habit to reach loving compromises that bring you closer as a couple.

Jenna D. Barry is the author of “A Wife’s Guide to In-laws:  How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents.”  Find more at www.WifeGuide.org.

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