In-laws Article: Gossip

May 4, 2009, 6:24 pm

The following article is exclusive to Hitched Magazine:

In-laws: Protecting Your Marriage From Gossip

Gossip can be a major threat to a marriage, especially when (1) a mother gossips to her son about his wife and (2) a wife gossips to her family about her husband.

If your mother-in-law gossips to your husband about you, here’s what you can do. Gently tell your husband, “I‘d like to start having a healthier relationship with your mom, so in the future, I‘m going to communicate directly with her instead of gossiping to you about her. And I need for you to start refusing to listen to your mom gossip about me, too. The next time she starts to say something negative about me, I’d like for you to say, ‘Mom, I don’t like being caught in the middle, so I’m not willing to listen to you criticize my wife anymore. I need for the two of you to talk directly to each other from now on.’”

If you’ve gossiped about mother-in-law, apologize to her for doing so. Not only is this a mature thing to do, but you’ll likely gain your husband‘s respect. Tell his mom you’re going to try not to talk to her behind her back anymore, and then ask her not to talk behind your back anymore either. A tactful, non-antagonistic way to say this would be, “I’d like for us to start having a healthier relationship with each other, so from now on let’s talk to each other directly when a problem comes up, rather than gossiping to others.” If there are times when you need advice about what to say to your mother-in-law, or you just need to vent your anger in a healthy way, meet with a counselor or join a support group (You can join my support group and/or find a list of recommended counselors on my website at www.WifeGuide.org .)

You can also apply this advice to sisters-in-law, aunts, grandmas, etc. For example, you can tell your sister-in-law, “I’ve decided to start practicing healthier behavior, so I’m going to stop gossiping to you about my mother-in-law. If I do start to gossip about her, I’d like for you to refuse to listen. I’d also like for you to refuse to listen if my mother-in-law starts to tell you something negative about me. Just tell her you don’t want to be caught in the middle anymore, and that she should communicate directly with me.” By confronting the person at the source (the one who gossips) and the person at the endpoint (the one who listens to the gossip), you are doing what is in your power to do to end the problem.

You can’t completely control whether or not people gossip or listen to gossip about you. However, based on my own personal experiences, these strategies work very well. Sometimes people don’t realize their behavior is destructive, and all they need is for someone to present them with a better alternative. Other people, however, do realize their behavior is destructive, but if you confront them about it, that may be enough to put an end to it.

If you gossip to your own family about your husband, then that needs to stop immediately. You must start a new habit of communicating directly with your husband to work things out. If you need advice on how to communicate with him about something, or you just need to vent your frustrations, confide in a counselor or a marriage friendly support group.

Here are six reasons why it’s a bad idea to gossip to your family about your husband:
–It is disrespectful to your husband. If you don’t want your husband to gossip about you to his family, then don’t gossip about him to yours.
–It communicates to your husband that your family is more important than him.
–It communicates to your family that they are more important than your husband. When you marry, you are supposed to transfer your loyalty from your parents to your husband. If you are gossiping to your family about your husband, then your loyalty is in the wrong place.
–Healthy communication is a key ingredient for a strong marriage. If you gossip about your spouse instead of talking to him directly, then you are preventing healthy communication.
–Your family is biased, so they will probably side with you on most issues even when you are wrong.
–When your marriage spat is over, your family will likely hold a grudge against your mate long after you’ve forgiven him.

Unfortunately, very few of us have good role models when it comes to gossip. Our friends, relatives, and co-workers talk behind each other’s back on a regular basis. We see it happen so frequently on TV sitcoms that most of us think gossip is a normal, acceptable part of life. But just because others think gossip is okay doesn’t mean we have to let it damage our most precious relationships.

Jenna D. Barry is the author of “A Wife’s Guide to In-laws:  How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents.”  Find more at www.WifeGuide.org.

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