Article About Living With Mother-in-law

February 2, 2009, 6:33 pm

Jenna D. Barry was quoted in the following article by Joanne Richard. It was featured in The Ottawa Sun, The Sault Star, The Sudbury Star, The Winnepeg Sun, Canoe.ca, The Expositor, and The Niagra Falls Review.

February 28, 2009

Too Close For Comfort
Family: How to avoid the stress when the mother-in-law moves in
by Joanne Richard

Too close for comfort? We’ll soon see.

Barack Obama’s mother-in-law has set up house in the White House with the first family. Marian Robinson, 71, is on board to help her grandchildren, Malia and Sasha, get settled in and provide support during the transition at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

While extended families moving in can be a great solution for busy couples seeking work/life balance, the domestic arrangement can be fraught conflict, criticism and power struggles.

Some relish the intergenerational cosiness and the strength in numbers; for others, distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Living with your in-laws isn’t a great idea, “however, some people do find ways to make it work,” says Jenna D. Barry, author of A Wife’s Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents (WifeGuide.org).

“In the case of the Obamas, it could work if Michelle makes it clear to her mother that Barack’s needs, feelings and opinions take priority over hers. For example, if Barack has a different opinion about parenting the girls than Michelle’s mother does, she needs to place a higher value on Barack’s input. Most importantly, as in any marriage, if Michelle’s mother tries to gossip to her about Barack, Michelle needs to refuse to listen.”

Louise T. wishes the Obamas lots of luck — she has what she calls a “monster-in-law.

“There have always been three people in our marriage - my mother-in-law has always been the other women and has never stepped aside.

“She’s always competed for her son’s attention, affection and devotion — and it’s been a thorn in our marriage,” says the resentful 54-year-old entrepreneur.

Louise is not alone. Two-thirds of women feel that their mother-in-law is jealous of their relationship with the sons, reveals new research by Dr. Terri Apter, while two-thirds of mothers-in-law report feeling excluded by their daughters-in-law.

But good news for the Obama family: There’s definitely a lot less trouble between men and their mothers-in-law than between female-in-laws — 60% of women complained their spouse’s mom is a major source of stress, while only 15% of men reported feeling friction, reports Apter’s upcoming book, What Do You Want From Me?

“It’s miserable for a man if his wife and mother don’t get along,” says Barry.

“Daughters and mothers-in-law are often in direct competition because the son tries to please both of them instead of making it clear that his wife is his first priority,” she says. “He is the one who can put an end to the competition by making it clear that his loyalty belongs with his wife.”

Tensions can simmer when a mother is unwilling to step aside and encourage them to make each other their first priority, she says.

The spouse must be made the No. 1 priority — even if it upsets his/her mother, says Barry.

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Tags: daughter-in-law, difficult in-laws, in-law problems, in-laws, in-laws problems, Mother-in-law, mother-in-law problems, toxic in-laws