Are You Dating a Momma’s Boy?

December 15, 2008, 4:40 pm

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“How to Tell if You Are Dating A Momma’s Boy”
by Jenna D. Barry

NBC has a new TV show called “Momma’s Boys.” With Ryan Seacrest as the host, three young men will let their mothers choose their ideal woman. The point of the show—according to NBC’s website—is to ask, “Who really is the most important woman in a man’s life?”

A lot of men seek their mom’s advice when choosing a mate. Most mothers can help steer their son toward a kind, honest woman with a cheerful disposition, strong values, and a generous heart. As long as Mom offers her input as an opinion—and encourages her son to make the final decision—she can be an excellent source of wisdom. However, if a man is such a parent pleaser that he needs his mother’s approval before he marries, then that could be a big problem.

Many experts would say the goal of parenting is to raise a child to become an independent adult. A lot of parents do a great job at achieving that goal, but unfortunately there are many parents who refuse to let their children grow up. In fact, they manipulate their sons and daughters with guilt whenever they show any signs of independence. It isn’t uncommon for moms to say things like, “Don’t you need me anymore?” or “Why don’t you call or visit more often?” Mothers with this type of unhealthy behavior don’t have loving relationships with their kids, even though they think they do. They have controlling relationships built on fear, guilt, and obligation.

If you are dating a man who ignores your needs in order to meet his mother’s needs, then you need to recognize this as a potentially serious problem in the future. If your fiancé always says “no” to you so he can say “yes” to his mom, that could be a good indication of what the rest of your marriage will be like. When a man marries, he is supposed to transfer his loyalty from his parents to his wife. His behavior plays a key role in how well you get along with his parents. Although it isn’t fair to expect him to change immediately, he should gradually start making your needs a priority over his parents’ needs.

Here are five warning signs that you may be dating a momma’s boy:

1. He talks to his mother on the phone everyday, sometimes several times a day. He drops whatever he is doing when she calls, no matter what time of day or night. He doesn’t have courage to say, “Mom, I can’t talk to you right now. I’ll call you back later.”

2. He frequently cancels plans with you in order to please his mother. If she says she is lonely or that she needs her computer fixed, he’ll bail out on you instead of making your needs a priority.

3. He values his mother’s advice over yours. Of course it makes sense for a guy to take his mom’s advice on certain things that she is particularly knowledgeable about. But if he thinks you are wrong whenever you disagree with Mom, then that’s not okay.

4. He hides things from his mom. If your future mother-in-law is judgmental and controlling, he may secretly do things behind her back. For example, he may hide the fact that he drinks alcohol, wears an earring, or lost his job instead of behaving as a confident adult who doesn’t need his mom’s approval.

5. He is financially dependent upon his parents. It’s important to find a guy who is financially independent or at least plans to be soon. If you marry someone who depends on his parents for financial support, it could be very difficult for him to make you his first priority because he feels obligated to them.

If you are dating a momma’s boy, don’t worry. The situation isn’t hopeless. There are things you can say and do to help your man become an independent adult and, eventually, a loyal husband. Few things in life are more difficult than being assertive with our own parents, especially if they have destructive behavior. Be supportive and understanding. Educate yourself and then help your guy learn how to behave in a new way so he can experience the freedom and joy that comes from having relationships based on honesty and real love.

Jenna D. Barry is the author of “A Wife’s Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents.” www.WifeGuide.org.

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